Retrospective

Things I sometimes wish I had the guts to say out loud....

In retrospect, I don't think you care for children very much. Admit it, it's ok. Maybe you did at one point, but then decided somewhere along the way that the idea of being around children day in and day out wasn't really something you were completely cool with... We all have those revelations.

In retrospect, I should have seen it a LOT sooner than I did.

Maybe the time you made him sit from noon until 5:30 with food in his mouth. He didn't like it, you refused to let him spit it out. Instead he had to sit at the table all day long. He didn't get a nap. He didn't get to play. He just got to sit there with his food stuffed in his cheeks because you refused to bend. (FYI, this caused us a huge issue...for quite a while. He would cry when he bit into something he didn't like and refuse to spit it out. Thanks a lot for that. Thankfully, with gentle guidance, I was able to teach him it's ok to spit things out if they don't taste good to you - because not everyone enjoys every single flavor they encounter in life. Now, we work on the resistance to try new things because they look different.)

Maybe it was when he would make himself get sick at least once every couple of weeks because he knew he would get sent home. We would dutifully pick him up and take him to R&R care the next day. They would gently remind us that he wasn't ill and we really shouldn't bring him to their facility. I spent many hours scratching my head and puzzling over what could be causing his sudden attacks of tummy trouble.

It wasn't until I sat down and urged you to help me figure out the issue and try keeping him a couple of times when that happened, as long as there were no other concerning factors, that you tried my suggestion and found that he was actually forcing himself to get sick. (How terrible must things have been going that a 1.5-2 year old was forcing himself to get sick just to go home?)

Maybe when, day in and day out, you were putting our son in time out. Multiple times a day. Often for completely petty crap - so petty you couldn't even "recall" the reason, often claiming you'd had him in so many times you'd lost track. 

You had once stated you hoped he wasn't going to take the place of your trouble maker kid when he left. I should have seen an issue then. I had a feeling you would project your expectation of him being a trouble maker onto him. But I had no idea how badly you would treat him. I had no idea you would be so hard on an innocent child just because he has a clever way of figuring out his boundaries.

Every single day, we would cringe when we asked if he was a good boy. It was funny that he might only get reprimanded once, if at all, if anyone else cared for him... but if you were the primary for the day, he would spend damned near the entire day in time out. You even sent a scathing letter home that when we were picking up was not the time to discuss how our child's day went. Well.. when else are we supposed to ask, genius?

Maybe it was when you would penalize him for being even one minute late in the morning by not feeding him anything at all. Letting him sit and watch his peers eat, while he got to sit with nothing. Not even a piece of toast. Not even a glass of milk. For what? Was it really THAT hard to go upstairs and put a piece of damned bread in the toaster, or maybe get a couple of graham crackers for him to eat? Seriously? 

Maybe it was when you came to me telling me my little one... at 9 months old... was being mean and hitting other kids, seriously - any person who deals with children knows this is a normal developmental communication skill in small children. I began to wonder if my oldest wasn't trying to let us know how bad things were. 

Our beautiful older son became more and more angry. More and more resistant. Acting out and throwing temper tantrums. Throwing toys. Often grinding his teeth at night to the point of waking up in pain. Worrying himself literally to the point of illness. Begging not to be taken back to daycare the next day, begging me to keep him and his brother home. We thought he was being overly dramatic. Perhaps he was trying to look out for his baby brother in his own way, trying to make sure the small one wouldn't go through the same hell you'd been putting him through.

At Christmas, you told me they made too much unnecessary noise. I asked what you meant, and they piped up with their little back and forth minion banter (that's what I called it, not loud, just noise. A back and forth exchange of little "ahh" noises.). They would make this when the baby was too young to talk. They came up with this method of communication because they understood each other and always knew where the other was.

Maybe that was so one would always know the other was okay.

We really started to grow concerned when our older son, who loves everything related to Disney and Disney Cruises... and who loves to travel... would say he didn't want to go on another cruise ever again. He kept saying he didn't like Mickey anymore and that he didn't want to go anywhere ever again. He even stopped wanting to look at pictures of our trips and watch videos on youtube. This thought disturbed us. We were wondering what spurred this sudden reluctance and lack of enthusiasm for travel. (What did you tell him?)

Believe me, we have heard some pretty appalling things come out of our 3 year old with regards to his time at your home. I am ashamed I didn't pull him out a LOT earlier. I am supposed to care for my kiddos... and that includes making sure they are getting loving and nurturing care when they aren't in my home. If he had told me about these things when he was in your care, rest assured, there would have been ramifications to what you did. I wish there could still be.

I really hope the reason he didn't tell me about this when he was in your care wasn't because you had threatened him. 

See, when I tried to make suggestions, you never listened. I suggested alternatives to timing him out, including sitting with him and explaining what was upsetting you about his actions. You would throw up your hands and say you'd tried everything and nothing was getting through to him. When I told you I really wasn't sure what to do, as he didn't act like this at home most of the time, you rolled your eyes as if you didn't believe me. (For the record, I have photos to prove what an awesome kiddo he is at home. He's helpful, he loves his brother, and he loves to be around his family and friends.)

Honestly, I'm glad things ended this way. Truth be told, in my opinion, you waited longer than you should have to exit the business. I will refrain from writing what I really think here. But I am grateful to the Lord above for your decision to close - because I really think He had everything to do with that decision. 

Thoughts of what must have happened to our little man from 7:30a-5:45p from Monday-Friday cross my mind on occasion. But I have to push them away. They are purely supposition at this point. But the other part of this is that I have to actively keep myself from thinking of what he must have gone through.

For the record, our son isn't perfect. We don't go around claiming our little peanut would "never do this" or "never do that". He is a rambunctious 3-year-old. The fact of the matter is he DOES sometimes do things that require redirection, and sometimes even time outs. He is testing the boundaries - and believe me, he is good at it.

What little boy isn't?

But, he is nowhere near the level of the children you see on Nanny 9-1-1. Which is what you would have us believe. He is not a bad child all. the. time. Sometimes, yes. But not every minute of every day.

We took him to other daycares at times, and they never had a problem. We took him on cruises and tested his limits (there is so much to do on them, he often wouldn't want to sleep or nap... he'd fall asleep late and wake up early). Never a complaint from the child facility about him, other than what a sweet and mannerly little boy he is - always.

So... riddle me this... why was it that you were the ONLY person for which he would act like a rotten little heathen that refused to listen?

Why is it that, at his new daycare, he has only required redirection a few times... and he has only been timed out one time in almost 7 weeks?

Little Hearts

My oldest son is 3 1/2. Such a sweet little boy... but he is all boy, so he often gets into mischief and that is fine. When boys make mischief, they make noise. Noise is good, you know what they are up to when they are making noise.

For the past 3 weeks or so, my sweet little monkey has been urging me to be a stay home mommy. Every single morning, and sometimes at night, we would have a conversation similar to this:

LM: Mommy, do I have to go to *******?
Me: Yes, sweetie.
LM: But why?
Me: Because mommy and daddy have to pay bills, and we like to have cars to go places in, and we like to take you and your brother on fun trips.
LM: But why can't you be a stay home mommy? Why do we have to go to daycare?
Me: Because we can't do all of these fun things and have a place to live and a car to drive if I don't have a job to help daddy with the bills.
LM: But I want you to be a stay home mommy. (pouts)

Then he carries on about his morning ritual of getting dressed, petting his hamsters, and going out to the car to go to daycare.

Yesterday, we found out part of the reason he may have been so persistent with this. His daycare provider sent us a note stating she has to close effective the first part of April.

This normally wouldn't be a big deal, but this precious little angel is a feeler. When someone is stressing about something, even if they are acting normal on the outside, he can detect it. I suspect he noticed she was upset about something and, given he cares about his daycare provider a great deal, he didn't like to see her upset when he couldn't help.

Poor little guy.

So, now we face a real battle ahead. Finding daycare in this town is like trying to find parking downtown... it's slim to non-existent. We have some very real needs that need to be met.

1. Daycare provider must offer a loving and nurturing environment.
2. Daycare provider beliefs must be similar to our own as to help with meeting our goals and teachings.
3. Daycare provider needs to be private. Our sons have only ever been to a private daycare - which has allowed them to play and grow together. I can't express how upsetting it would be to take them to a cookie cutter center that has segregated care for each age group.
4. Daycare provider needs to offer pre-K curriculum.
5. Daycare provider should help our sons grow in their vocabulary, education, and social skills.

These are a huge deal to us. We want our sons to be together... we want their learning to continue. We don't want to hold them back by drastically changing their daycare environment any more than necessary.

We don't cut out any options - private daycare, nanny, even the possibility of my having to change to a different shift at work if needed in order to make sure they are properly cared for at all times of the day. This is something that I really struggle with. My heart is with my children. I want to give them the very best possible.

Sometimes the very best is very difficult to obtain.

Get it.

Sometimes, as you go through life, you hear things you don't want to hear. You learn things aren't always as calm, cool, and collected as they seem. You see people that are really great people go through great times of trial and loss.

When I was 21 years old, we found out my oldest brother had Cancer. Cancer. Ugh, seriously? That's right, we were thrown into our own personal version of hell. Appointments, surgeries, treatments that left him more ill than the disease itself.

After a year of hell... he was given the news his cancer was in remission. Have you ever seen the scene in Disney's Hunchback of Notre Dame where the freed captive goes skipping around proclaiming "I'm free! I'm free!" Only to stumble into another shackle and get locked up again? Yep, that's what happened to us, too. His remission didn't last long enough. The Cancer came back with a vengence... and it eventually took his life.

Now, I sit and watch as two friends suffer the trials of ALS.

Two young men. I say young... because both of them are under 50. Did you know the average age of diagnosis is 55? What gives?

One, I went to college with. He is 38. That's right, 38. You know the guy in the crowd that always had a smile and a quip? The one that always made everyone else feel better just by being around? That was him....still is him. However, he is in the final stages of battling this stupid disease that is robbing him of his faculties one.by.one. It sucks. It truly sucks to watch him deteriorate.

The other, our neighbor. He isn't much older than my husband and myself. He has 4 beautiful children, and an amazing wife. Again... the person that always made you smile. The person that, you knew you could count on if something blew up and you needed an extra set of hands.

I found myself wondering why it's always the good ones that go young. Why doesn't this crap happen to the nasty, bitter, horrible people. The ones that cause human suffering? The ones that lie, cheat, and steal to get through life? Why can't they be the ones that suffer instead of the good people that try to go around doing good things?

It hit me. God doesn't need a group of angels who need training. God needs the angels that have already figured out how to do their job... and practiced... and learned to do it well.  God put us each here for a very specific reason. He wants to surround Himself with the angels that get it. If you want to be with Him on the judgement day, it's time to start getting it.