Environment Toxicity

Environment toxicity is a real deal.

I believe this. Beyond the shadow of a doubt.

We struggled with our older son in our last daycare. Every. Single. Day, there was some sort of an issue. He acted out. He didn't listen. The normal stuff. But then, she started with the strange things... the unbelievable things. The COMPLETELY out of character things.

We would pick him up and he would be sad. He would struggle with frustration at home. Was reluctant to share things, even with his little brother. He was angry, moody, and often would grind his teeth at night.

That relationship abruptly ended when the claims got completely outrageous, sparking my intervention ending in a gentle, but firm conversation. Two days later, the provider told us she wouldn't be willing to watch our older son any longer. I told her she wasn't going to watch either of them.

My mom, bless her, came up from Oklahoma. She dropped everything she had going on and flew up as soon as she could get here. No questions asked. I said I needed help, she was here at the drop of a hat. She watched the boys for us for nearly 3 weeks.

She didn't see the behavior.

On September 8, they started a new daycare/Pre-K "school". Since they started, we have had no issues.

Our older son was given a clear directive. They have a system for behavior. He is given goals and has a schedule they follow.

Since they started there have been NO ISSUES. Every one of the adults that deals with us says they would have seen some spark by now for behavior that was truly that drastic. Every. single. adult.

They love him. We have been told he will be no problem. He is an awesome kid. He is kind, considerate, loves to play and share, and that he follows every single directive.

At home, he is a new kid. He loves playing with and sharing things with his brother. Sure, they have tiffs... but they continue to grow closer and closer. His is no longer frustrated and angry. His teeth grinding has slowed drastically.

So, what has changed?

There is no more toxic environment.

He is surrounded by positive people every day. They treat him with kindness and respect, and they give him the benefit of the doubt. If he steps off the line, they direct him back onto the line. They don't just yell and try to force him to be something he is not.

He is a kid. They understand that. It's amazing the difference it has made.

Great Loss

How do you do it?

How do you keep it together when you miss someone more than words could ever express?

How do you get through loss?

Truthfully? You don't.

Let that sink in for a moment.... you don't. You just go through the motions... you do what you have to do to keep things moving... but you never forget. It never gets better. It never goes away. The void is there forever.

February 24 will mark 17 years since that awful day. The day my brother parted ways with this life and joined his ranks in Heaven. 17 years.

The pain subsided. I understand no one lasts forever... but the void still remains. There are good days and bad days. There are times when I just want to curl up and cry all day. But I put on a brave smile and go out into the world.

God has given me two of the most incredible gifts in my sons. They are endless sources of smiles and laughter. They give me purpose. They keep me grounded. At times, they even drive me a little bit crazy - but it's a good crazy.

They give me a reason to be... to smile... and to find something amazing in each and every day.

Until them, finding joy in each day was a lot more difficult.

Every single person is different. Some of us grieve openly.... others, like me, keep it all inside. I write. I sing. I try to find reminders.

I wrote a LOT.

To this day, hearing "I'm Turning Japanese" or "Brown Eyed Girl" on the radio sparks a huge smile.

I love looking at pictures and cherishing the memories. When you lose a loved one, you are left with just that.

Memories.

The best part of memories is that they are yours. Forever. No one can take them away from you.